tryin' like hell to not blow my cover
Turns out I guessed wrong on where NFNS was going in Sunday's episode. They were not cooking for the Navy but rather the Coast Guard. But before they got to that, there was another TV challenge. Tyler Florence showed up to give them the set-up: 1 minute on-camera demo of a basic culinary skill. Everything from shucking an oyster to cleaning squid to opening a coconut to frenching a rack of lamb. Pretty much everyone ran out of time. Several failed to master the talk while working and even most of those who did forgot to look up at the camera. Kelseybot was the winner. She didn't do the greatest job on her lamb but she clearly knew what she was doing and also managed to dial her personality down to only-slightly-more-terrifying-than-Rachael-Ray levels. I expected Shane (the other c-school grad to do well) but he only poked one hole in his coconut so no water came out (need second hole to let air in). But he presented with a lot of authority. Not sure if that's cos he was faking it well or because he thought it was going to work. Over on the epic fail side were Boring Jen (who spent most of her minute not shucking an oyster while apologizing that she'd forgotten how to do it because she was allergic and oysters made her sick) and Nipa (who announced that she had no idea how to clean squid and then amply demonstrated the completeness of her ignorance). Boring Jen is clearly having a nervous reaction to being on camera that's causing her to apologize, back-pedal and basically try to disappear every time she has to talk. Hardly the best trait for someone who wants to host a TV show. And Nipa -- where to even start? What the hell network did she think she was auditioning for?
For the second half, hosting duties were taken over by Michael Symon (and his crazy laugh). The ridiculously complex challenge: select 1 kind of fish plus 1 wacky Kitchen Stadium style ingredient (marshmallow fluff, froot loops, grape jelly, white chocolate, coffee, cola or caramel); create 2 dishes (one basic w/ just the fish and one Iron Chef w/ the fish and the secret ingredient). They had to create 30 servings w/ cooking to be finished later at a location TBD. Fun starts right up when Nipa says that she's never touched a fish. Or had to pick up a fish. I'm unclear as to whether she meant she'd never had to pick up a whole fish or had actually never touched any fish at all. So many questions... I mean, two weeks ago she was chopping up lamb -- why is a trout any different? Even if it never entered her mind that, y'know, at some point in a cooking contest she might have to work with fish, you'd think that she'd at least suck it up and get on with it. But, no, she put on a display of squealing and icking and carrying on the likes of which are usually only seen in cartoons when housewives jump on tables to get away from mice. Symon was good-naturedly teasing her ("pick up that trout!") but you could tell the other contestants were not amused. Then she had to filet the whole fish for at least one portion (the rest were provided pre-fileted). Which of course she couldn't do. I don't know that I've ever fileted a whole fish. But then, I'm not trying to get a show on Food Network. After hacking out one miserly hunk, she took the mangled remains of the fish and dumped them in the trash. More on that later.
(rest of the recap below the cut)
Aaron was doing cod w/ cola and Ensign Ro was using arctic char & coffee. They had the easiest road for the IC combos. But Aaron overcooked his cod and did a lackluster presentation to the Coast Guard and found himself in the bottom 3. Ensign Ro did an arctic char/hoisin/etc glazed char which found favor. But for some inexplicable reason, she did a tartare-style presentation for the Red Lobster part of the challenge. Which she was rightly dinged for. I mean, yes, more people are eating raw fish. But not at Red Frikkin' Lobster. Her presentation was actually pretty good. Probably cos she was flustered and wearing half her sauce after wiping out in the kitchen. Altho that only partially mitigates her insistence on mentioning that the sauce-spilling accident ruined her Pucci shoes and $300 blouse. If she's stupid enough to dress like that in a kitchen, she deserves to have her gear ruined.
Shane and Kelseybot both got good notes for food and performance. Shane added fluff to a parsnip puree under some panko coated fish and got particularly praised by Symon. Kelseybot won the Red Lobster challenge, altho actually for her IC dish, which had a white chocolate beurre blanc accompanying the fish.
To the bottom, then. Adam did a crepe w/ caramel-garlic sauce on the fish for his IC dish. When Symon told him he'd spit it out, Adam (bizarrely) said "that's amazing." To which Symon could only reply "no, it was disgusting." Plus he started his presentation to the Guard members by doing a pratfall thru the doorway into the mess. Totally bombed. As Tushman put it, he completely undermined any sense that he had authority as a chef. Since his final quote on camera was something about how he wanted to be funny but didn't want to be a joke, I won't be surprised if he wins one or both challenges next week in a big redemption episode like Kelseybot got this week.
Boring Jen did the same thing again -- got halfway thru her spiel and started apologizing for how bad her IC dish (she ground up the froot loops to make a crust for the fish but didn't cut it w/ any bread crumbs or anything so it was sickly sweet). The FN people keep talking about what a great personality she has and how much the camera loves her but I swear I haven't seen any of that from her so far. She actually was not in the bottom 3 but I'm writing her up here cos I think she deserved to be.
It was actually Aaron in the bottom 3 (along w/ Adam and Nipa). I pause here to note that, contra Tom Hanks, there is a hell of a lot of crying in this season of NFNS. Kelseybot busted out bawling last week. Boring Jen broke down at least twice this week. Ro's had a couple of teary-eyed moments. And Aaron started choking up trying to relate a personal story about his son who's run away from home and how he wanted to make his family proud. I know I tagged Aaron as a fave to win it all last time but he's not showing much growth in his ability to perform on TV. As a cook, there's no question that he's one of the best still in there. But I'm starting to have doubts on his ability to go all the way.
And then there's Nipa. Symon raked her for throwing out an entire fish. He was clearly offended, as anyone who ever worked in the food business would be. Her tandoori trout actually got some decent notices, altho no one liked her attempt to work grape jelly into her IC dish. I will give her props for busting out some Bollywood dance moves during her presentation to the Coast Guard (judges were also there for the meal, obviously). It didn't really go over all that well in the room but I thought it was a nice little "nuts to you" for the FN. You want ethnic? I got yer ethnic right here. Dishoom!
But when it came down to her and Adam, it was clear she was gone. No way they were gonna keep someone who can't even pick up a fish or understand the basic principles of food costs.